Sep 30

Stupid Bumbling Human Syndrome - and I’m Sorries

Boy, did I make a BIG gaff this afternoon.

A new friend invited me to join her at a meeting for one of the local city council candidates. My friend and I have other plans today, too, and so we are sort of hanging out this afternoon. After the meeting we went to a dress rehearsal for the San Diego Opera’s school education and entertainment program. It was a rehearsal for their cute version of Sleeping Beauty. But that jumps you too far ahead.

As we rounded the room making self-introductions at the politico gathering I made a joke that I thought (notice the italics) was funny. Many people laughed. It was one of those sorts of jokes that was so obviously a joke that it was funny. Or so I thought.

I won’t retell the joke here because doing so would only reinjure my friend and return a very unpleasant feeling deep in my gut. So what happened?

After we left the meeting my friend asked me, “So what prompts you to make a comment like that?”

“Sometimes funny things just hit me,” I said.

“Do you understand how embarrassing something like that is for me?” she asked.

I was shocked - probably as shocked as she was at my joke. I really was stunned by how she described her interpretation of the joke - and how she thought the others probably interpreted it.

I immediately let flow a river of profuse apologies. She explained her vantage point and I explained mine. She was concerned with the perceptions of the other people. I respect that. “I don’t have any responsibility for the responses of others,” I eventually said, though the most important thing I want you to know - and believe - is that I am deeply sorry for embarrassing you and causing you discomfort - and that my intention was so opposite how it was interpreted that I’m both dumbfounded and terribly hopeful that you understand that.”

We talked some more so each of us could understand the other’s point of view. We had coffee and watched the rehearsal. Then we parted until we meet up with a bunch of other friends for dinner downtown tonight.

As she dropped me off a little while ago, I made another apology and said it would be the last time I bring it up. She said she was glad I apologized and that it was over and done with. Phew!

What really happened?

I acted as if intimacy was high with me and everyone in the room, not picking up that though my friend and I have a growing intimacy, I was a stranger to the others - and my primary responsibility was to my friend. Big misread.

I forgot that sometimes it’s best not to say what comes into my head. In a line of work that relies heavily on intuition, it’s remarkable to me how sometimes it plays no role whatsoever in how I behave. I got a razor sharp lesson in humility. I also got a bayonet-shaped lesson in social caution.

I also got a fresh lesson that my perception is not true for everyone. It is but one way of assessing a situation. Everyone else has an assessment, too.

I don’t think any lasting harm has been done, but that might turn out to be more hope than insight. We’ll see.

I did what the situation required afterward - I said I was sorry. I didn’t say, “I apologize,” I said, “I’m so sorry.” There is a big difference. “I apologize” is the intellectualized, slightly-too-fancily-phrased version of the heart-sided “I’m sorry.” I’m sorry is a much more potent phrase…but I digress.

Anyway, “I’m sorry” is what I got right. What I got wrong reminded me that sometimes I’m just a stupid bumbling human. I hope that’s true for us all. I feel less stupid that way! In any case, the remedy for Stupid Bumbling Human Syndrome is to make heartfelt I’m-sorries, get the lesson, and move on.

Here’s to hoping for a nice dinner with my friend.

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