F,F,MO,DLB
Have you ever been in a situation when someone, undoubtedly to assuage some need of their own for less pain, less anxiety, a sense of control or a desperation to reach out however ineffective the means used, tries to pull you back into a situation you long since put behind you and have forgotten?
That just happened to me. A situation two years old was dredged up by someone I actually have a great affection for, in spite of the reality that the past situation and the decisions we made after it have made it implausible for us to be in touch with one another.
What were my reactions? I was surprised to get the email. I was eager to read it - until I did. Then I was this close - I tell you this close - to firing off an email that would blast this person for exhuming a situation we long since mourned.
Thankfully, I didn’t go with my first, visceral, animalistic instinct to fight. I went with my (thankfully) quick-to-follow second, rational, conscious and values-based thought which was that this person (gender intentionally withheld) was obviously hurting and was using the only means (s)he knows, however ineffective, to meet his/her need for comfort and safety (and whatever else.)
So, what did I do? I decided to ignore it and let it be. Was this the right decision? I don’t know. I’m a coach, not the all-knowing OZ.
What I know is this: My first reaction is not always on target, appropriate, likely to lead to me behaving as my best self or enhancing the relationship with the involved, or involveds. Sometimes it makes sense to think before acting. Most times, actually. Sometimes my second instinct, which is actually the first thought, is more rational and gentle and appropriate, given that most situations are not really threats to my person, safety, life path, success or self-esteem. My first actual conscious thought is often the one to go with. Clients working to override their (too-often ineffective) instincts in favor of a more effective (if slightly slower) approach, take note of that. I get it.
So, what did I do? I decided to F, F, MO, DLB. I decided to forgive (again) the situations that led to the unfortunate past and this very (albeit fleeting situation). I decided to forget (again) and remember that I had already suffered the pain, drawn important lessons and moved on and there was no need to strike back or respond, not least because the things (s)he was dredging up were irrelevant today. And, finally, I decided not to look back. Forgive. Forget. Move On. Don’t Look Back.
Forgive - this is a central theme for psychological, emotional and spiritual health.
Forget - enough to move on, after having drawn the wisdom from the past situation for use in future situations.
Move On - don’t hold yourself or anyone else hostage to the past. We were all different then. We are wiser now.
Don’t Look Back - today is now, yesterday is not now. Which one can you affect?
Forgive. Forget. Move On. Don’t Look Back. It is very hard to drive to your destination with your eyes on the rear-view. Peace out.
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