Sep 22

Thanks for the Ideas But That’s Not What I Asked

Have you ever noticed how frequently someone answers a question that you never asked? I’ve noticed that when I ask someone to help me with something I have wrestled with for a while I commonly get back a bunch of recommendations about how I could proceed on my own were I to continue trying to figure it out.

Recently, I asked a computer expert for help with my computer. I’m no expert in the IT area, nor do I want to be. My request went something like, “Would you help me figure out how to make blahdiblah work? It has been not working for a while and I need to get this handled soon because I’m concerned about suchnsuch.”

What I got back was a) an explanation that I really don’t need help because the issue I’m facing is usually (important word) not a problem. The solution is “just plug it in and it works,” (except that it doesn’t, of course) and b) I should just turn off the computer, turn it on, and voila, the problem will disappear (except that it hasn’t, of course.)

In response to a) I say: Mmmmmmm, yeah, thanks. I have a problem that actually exists. I am not hallucinating. I’m not out of my mind. I need help and now I realize that you appear not be the much interested in providing it. To b) I say, I’ve done this a bazillion times and it’s not worked yet. And anyway, not to be ungrateful, I didn’t ask for a suggestion on how I could to do it. I asked if you’d do it for me.

Now, you might say to me, David, he offered suggestions about what you could do and so gave you help. Be happy and move on.

But, it doesn’t feel like help, and besides, how can someone really provide useful help without diagnosing the situation? My short description of the problem is more an explanation of what I need, which is not at all the same as the problem I have (insert obvious jokes here *).

Help is meaningful when it is targeted at the core problem. I don’t know what that is yet, and obviously nor does my friend who offered his “help.” Help is meaningful, too, when it arrives in a manner that works best for the receiver of it, not the deliverer. That’s the nature of being helpful, right? It must actually be powerful, useful, significant in the eyes of who receives it, else every zealous friend of a friend (or an in-law) who has a solution to every one of your problems would actually be as helpful as they believe they are, no?

Helping is an act of generosity which can be very meaningful for the giver and the receiver. Givers who fire off quick technical responses to requests for their help are missing an opportunity to strengthen their relationship with the helpee. Of course, that may not be at all important to the potential helper, in which case, I say, keep firing away. You can’t be more unhelpful than you’ve already been.

But, if your focus is on simultaneously the technical need and relationship development, you will slow down, diagnose the need more deeply, and proceed with recommendations from there. One such recommendation could be that you’ll take care of it. This latter process take a bit more time, but then again, being effective is often more time consuming than being only efficient. But, what good is efficiency without effectiveness?

No worries about my little computer problem. It is still here, and I will find someone eventually to help fix it. I might need to turn to someone I don’t know at all.