Nov 12

Oh, Give It Up Already!

I worked with a client today around a colleague and friend of his he says is a pain in the bumm (my word, not his) to deal with. I listened to the story I know well (he’s tells it frequently) before I got tired of it.

I said, “I could be wrong here. Throw away what I’m about to say if it’s totally useless to you - Aren’t you tired of being frustrated and angry?”

He said, “I’m not angry, He’s angry.”

“Really?” I said.

“You think I’m angry?” he asked.

“Yes,” I replied, to his surprise.

There is something real and useful in the notion that we see in others aspects of ourselves. Sometimes we project onto other people qualities that we possess (like anger) or qualities we think we do not possess (like wisdom, intelligence, beauty–and frustration.)

My client is continually frustrated by a colleague he sees as constantly frustrated. See how it works?

What I might have said to this client (who was talking about the executive vice-president of marketing) is “Oh, give it up already! Get over yourself. You are holding onto your frustration. Holding onto it is like holding onto a convenient, comfortable, and dysfunctional story you tell yourself to keep yourself precisely as you are now. It lets you ignore the responsibility and authority you have to address the situation in more useful and productive ways. So, as long as you stay frustrated you remain right. (Righteous is more like it.) As long as you keep telling yourself you are right, you will remain frustrated. Aren’t you tired?”

Whatever you’re holding onto in order to be right and righteous, give it up. There is a lot more to achieve, and being stuck in your single version of what’s happening around you (and to you) is sure to keep you exactly where you are.

(Remember what I said about seeing in others some projected aspect of ourselves? Well, I wrote this blog for my benefit, too. I’m right there with you.)