Psoriasis to Peace

I'm a prone to stress. Anyone who knows me knows that much at least. External stress from events and internal stress from thoughts and projections. On this subject, if I have credibility with my clients it is because know of which I speak.

For about two years I have had a small patch of redness on my arm - the fleshy part on the side of the forearm that is exposed when I turn my extended hand up to the sky. A month ago, when I started my grad school application, I noticed the patch expanded and flared up; it got larger and swollen, rather like hives swell up. I knew I was feeling stress over whether I would be accepted into the program or rejected. My body was reflecting my fears in three dimensional red blotches.

As you know, I was accepted, and now the condition is almost gone. That is one sure sign that my body is sensitive to stress. But, I feel like a fool. Why? Because the sort of stress I was suffering is the stress of abundance - the sort that comes from multiple opportunities. At some distance from it now, I see the fears that caused the physiological condition were mis-founded - and not because I "got in." No. They were mis-founded because if the worst that happened to me now was not being accepted to grad school, I'd still have a magnificent life, an easy life. And to think and behave otherwise would be to waste the blessings I have.

So, today when I was cleaning house and eliminating about 20% of my bric-a-brac to create a more serene environment, I pulled a letter off the refrigerator. It's a copy of a letter an American soldier in Iraq wrote to his family, in case he was killed.

Killed - not hurt or stressed out about grad school or merely scared - Killed. I reread it - and could not avoid choking up several times.

I love my clients, I do. They are all magnificent men and women working hard to strip away the gunk to reveal the full radiance of who they are, as men and women, fathers and mothers, daughters, Realtors, business owners and executives. They all know there is more they can do and more they can be. They are determined to be all they can be, to borrow a military phrase. That is a BIG idea. Amen to that idea.

The man who wrote the letter below knew it would be delivered only if his life ended at the hands of extraordinary violence. I read it and think, "what exactly is hard about your life, David?"

I've never been one to fall for the old, "hey, eat your peas because there are people starving in the world" sort of cliché ideas - until recent years that is...

This soldier's letter was originally published in The New York Times.

Dear Family,

I never thought I would be writing a letter like this. I really don't know where to start. I've been getting bad feelings, though and, well, if you are reading this...

The happiest moments in my life all deal with my little family. I will always have with me the small moments we all shared. The moments when you quit taking life so serious and smiled. The sounds of a beautiful boy’s laughter or the simple nudge of a baby unborn. You will never know how complete you have made me. You saved me from loneliness and taught me how to think beyond myself. You taught me how to live and to love. You opened my eyes to a world I never dreamed existed.

Dakota…you taught me how to care until it hurts, you taught me how to smile again. You taught me that life isn’t so serious and sometimes you just have to play. You have a big, beautiful heart. Through life you need to keep it open and follow it. Never be afraid to be yourself. I will always be there in our park when you dream, so we can play. I love you, and hope someday you will understand why I didn’t come home. Please be proud of me.

Bean, I never got to see you, but I know in my heart you are beautiful. I know you will be strong and big-hearted like your mom and brother. I will always have with me the feel of the soft nudges on your mom’s belly, and the joy I felt when I found out you were on your way. I love you, Bean.

Melissa, I have never been as blessed as the day I met you. You are my angel, soulmate, wife, lover and best friend. I am sorry. I did not want to have to write this letter. There is so much more I need to say, so much more I need to share. A lifetime’s worth. I married you for a million lifetimes. That’s how long I will be with you. Please keep my babies safe. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for leaving you alone…Teach our babies to live life to the fullest, tell yourself to do the same.

I will always be there with you, Melissa. I will always want you, need you and love you, in my heart, my mind and my soul. Do me a favor, after you tuck the children in. Give them hugs and kisses from me. Go outside and look at the stars and count them. Don’t forget to smile.

Love always,
Your husband,
Jess

...It's time to stop suffering and get on with it, no?

Paying It Forward

Dear Clients and Friends,

Recently, I was accepted into a specialized Masters Degree program called a Masters of Science in Executive Leadership, or MSEL, for short. It’s a program co-created by management legend, Ken Blanchard and the University of San Diego.

I am excited to undertake this rigorous study in not only management of organizations in general, but the secret sauce of success – leadership. Think of the MSEL program as 60% traditional MBA and 40% leadership dynamics – what it takes and means to inspire and guide people to important achievements and experiences, to create and communicate BIG ideas and advance the good of all parties involved - staff, customers, suppliers, community and self, while making a profit. These are BIG subjects I’m excited to master.

The program emphasizes applied learning. That means what I learn in the texts, case studies and cohort exploration will be taken into everyday life and made useful immediately, whenever possible. Hence, I’m excited to invest in this program and offer the information to you.

I look forward to sharing my expanding community of professional resources and friends as I progress through the program. As I get older, and hopefully wiser, I realize all of life is about relationships, with ideas, ourselves, the rest of the natural world, Spirit, and other people. I’m thrilled to be able to help you expand your professional and personal spheres of influence.

Finally, I’m excited to dedicate a great deal of my time and energy to structured learning for the next two years. I mention this because it is a privilege. To have the economic, intellectual and physical health resources, a community of family and friends who support me, and a community of people I support is a blessing. To share it with you is my way of paying it forward, as the pop phrase goes.

Many of you helped me with my application. Thank you for all your support and encouragement – especially when I got stressed out! Special thanks to: Wanjiru, a neat friend from Kenya; Steve Landry of his private company, Conley Thomas Pensions, a man who sees his business as a way of honoring God (www.ctpensions.com); Bil Elert, friend and gifted manager at information behemoth FindLaw; (www.findlaw.com); Merry, a long-time client undertaking an Oprah-worthy life transformation with aplomb; my father, David Facer, Sr. who seems to get wiser by the day and my laughing-buddy sister, Michele, who with Wanjiru helped expand my thinking and refine the materials I submitted with the application; John Riley, owner of an exciting company that is redefining smart direct marketing (www.triggerdirect.com); and Hank Morton, founder and father-to-be head of the new face of insurance in a specialized market – Mexican auto insurance (www.bajabound.com). Thank you all!

Today begins an exciting adventure. Watch this space!

Courting Legends

The dinner/drinks meeting I was to have with Ken Blanchard on 6/16 - the meeting I invited him to and the invitation he accepted - did not happen. And it really doesn't matter much.

A day before we were to sit and talk I got this email:

Dear David,

Sorry, I'm not going to be able to get a drink or dinner this Thursday after the MSEL Reception. However, we could have a conversation after the session but I'll need to leave shortly thereafter.

See you then.

Ken

That night, I thanked him for helping me via his books, but beyond that we did not have a conversation. Like I said though - it doesn't matter.

Why, all of a sudden, does it not matter? Well, let’s see if I can explain it. For starters, Ken Blanchard is a legend in the field of management science. I was courting him because it would be a kick for me to talk with him over dinner. But, what is in it for him?

Some years ago I tried to meet Peter Block, the management consultant and author of many books including, The Answer to How is Yes. That book is a fantastic blend of philosophy and proven management process. He thanked me for the offer and said matter-of-factly, "Like I said in my book, I don’t accept many invitations like yours. I ask you this: I know why you would want to meet with me. Why should I meet with you? What’s in it for me?”

I gave him high marks for forthrightness; he certainly put it plainly, didn’t he? He also offered to respond to any questions I might want to ask him via email. I thanked him for that.

In any case, it doesn’t matter. Why? Because Peter Block is right; I wanted to talk with him and Ken Blanchard mainly to see what I could get from them. What I could learn. How I might impress. Who else I could talk to about my ideas. All of those reasons are selfish. Heck, I wouldn’t want to meet with me under those auspices!

Now, don't get me wrong; I can hang in any conversation about management, human nature and leadership. I can talk with anyone creatively and insightfully about any subject. There is no problem with that. But, does he know that? Of course not. I'm just a guy who wants to talk with him. Hardly a compelling reason for him to delay returning to his wife after a tiring day.

The thing is, meeting these people is pointless to my life and my work. What’s the real value of saying, “I had dinner with Ken Blanchard”? Bragging rights, if the truth be told. The people Ken Blanchard dines with regularly don’t tell people they eat together. Think about it; the bragging is by people well on the outside the legend’s intimate circle, business or otherwise.

At the time, I was a little disappointed. But, even then it came to not matter much. And, in a terrific twist, the very next day I was accepted into the Masters program his company co-created with the University of San Diego. So, courting Ken-the-Legend was even more pointless; our paths will cross naturally during my next two years of study.

If you’re the type who has to buy the extra-expensive tickets to sit in the first five rows and have a glass of wine after some legend’s presentation, ask yourself why it is so important to you. My growing perspective on the subject tells me the wiser way to spend my money is to learn all there is worth learning from these people, skim off the fame into an empty tin can, like my grandmother used to do with bacon fat - because it is just as good for me, then spend the money I would have spent on the fancy ticket on creating ways to embody the legend’s biggest ideas in my own life and work. I can be the channel for that person’s BIG ideas to the people whose lives I touch. I mean, they’ve already written the book. I should just read the book and get moving in my life with their best lessons.

Courting legends is a way of keeping them on a pedestal. Make great use of their best ideas and you step up beside them – eventually even as a peer. That seems a better way to invest our time and energy than trying to impress or grab some knowledge from a legend over dinner.

What are your thoughts about courting legends?

Others Like You Are Here, Too

Dear David

I have spent the last 3 hours perusing ActivatePotential.com. I wanted to write to both compliment you on a job well done and to thank you for your insights. When I was a student at USC’s Marshall School of Business I studied leadership development, and had the great honor of studying with Warren Bennis. From a more macrocosmic perspective, your site, which sparkles with enthusiasm and personality, has reminded me for the first time in several years why I am so impassioned by the subject of leadership and personal development (your enthusiasm is COMPLETELY contagious!). Once upon a time I pursued this passion with a job in Arthur Andersen’s Strategy, Organization and People consulting group . . . but as a result of the firm’s grand demise I have since pursued high “jobs” rather than a passionate career. Thank you for bringing this issue to the forefront of my consciousness.

Furthermore, from a more microcosmic perspective, your writings (particularly those on accountability and attitude) have encouraged me to reflect on my most recent career ventures, and why I (unfortunately) moved forward in the apathetic manager role rather than the dynamic, forthcoming leader role. You basically gave be a swift kick in the pants that has motivated me to start moving again.

Your site is athestically gorgeous, and your insights are candid and heart-felt. I can understand why you are so proud of your creation. Keep up the good work.

Mr. C. D.
Los Angeles, CA, USA

Reply from Reader - It Shall Pass

Dear David,

I can tell reading your entry of this past Saturday that there is still some lingering effect of what you describe in you.

I, too, have been under the spell of distraction and low energy... so much so that people who are used to see me on 300% most of the time feel the change instantly.

At some point, confusion set in and I lost the ability to immerse myself in the beauty and flow of the moment. As you say, it shall pass. It is hard for superachievers to 'put up' with it though.

A book that recently came my way on "Positive Energy" by
Judith Orloff helped me remember that sometimes what I need is less. Sometimes I need silence and the sweet "let it be" mantra.

Thank you for the inspiration, as always.

Sincerely,

V.M. - Female Executive, Philadelphia, PA, USA

It's Not All Cake

In the past week or so, I've started and deleted new entries at least four times. Each time I've felt a little more pressure to write one - but nothing important or inspiring was coming - so I just deleted each one and hoped for inspiration tomorrow.

Alas, none came. If inspiration came before this post, it came in the form of the truth; I have been grinding it out for the past couple weeks. I should write about that.

I was not feeling creative. I didn't feel all that motivated. I didn't make my bed. A forgot to close my bedroom door and a client walked by on the way from the lounge to the guest bathroom. I apologized. "I already saw. It's okay, now I know you're not perfect," she said. The secret is out: I have the full range of human experience just like everyone else.

Last week, I was not that productive, either. I attended several "networking" events. I talked a lot with a lot of people. The events were nice. A couple of the people are on the friendship path with me. At times it was work, though, like I really would have preferred to be laying on the beach with a book, quietly reading and hearing the waves.

What's the point here? The way I see it, sometimes we just grind it out. Sometimes there is no bounce in our steps. Sometimes we go through the motions with a little less animation than we would like. Sometimes it's tough doing the work on our businesses and our lives.

And here's the bigger point: Keep going. The Buddhist knows all things are impermanent. This, too, shall pass. I stayed in the game. I stayed engaged in important friendships. I went to the events. I networked. I endured several surprise obstacles. The headwinds seemed strong. I got as much rest as I could, in spite of not sleeping well. And I kept my head down and kept going.

Today I can tell the mood has shifted. The slowness I felt in the past week or two has changed. I have a busy day planned and tomorrow is even more so. I notice I have more enthusiasm.

We don't get endless sunny days, folks. I don't, you don't, your partner doesn't, your parents and kids don't. Neither do your employees. Nope - the hard charging got-the-world-by-the-b*lls businessman or woman does not get to escape the human experience - sorry.

We all get fogged in from time to time. It is normal, even when you're a high-flying, going-at-300% successful professional. It will pass; keep going. I don't mean drive blindly and dangerously forward and ignore it completely; I mean acknowledge it as a low energy period and keep going. Stay in the game. Remain engaged. Keep reaching people. Do what is required and know the bright days and good moods will return, as they have many, many times before. Moods are like weather fronts that come and go. Some are warm and sunny with gentle breezes and some are storms that rock our worlds. And, they come and go. If you find your fog lingers longer than normal, talk with a psychotherapist and your doctor. You may benefit from their help.

I'm off to make my bed and get some more things done. I'll be back next week.

But You Keep Doing It Anyway

On Sunday, after a long day of work, I went to a friend's house for dinner and some relaxing conversation. For convenience sake, she bought a package of "Beef Enchiladas" from Costco. After 40 minutes in the convection oven, the "food" was ready to eat.

It was disgusting. Everything about it was disgusting. From the instant the food hit my tongue I thought it was disgusting - and I cleaned my plate anyway.

For starters, the sodium content was out of sight - 610 grams per serving. It was so salty I almost couldn't eat it...almost. The stuff also looked horrible. Seriously, we could picture precisely how it's made.

Enormous grinders, salt dumpers and mixing contraptions churn the goop. A giant, loud pump plops it into the plastic containers from long, black, industrial rubber hoses that hang from an immense, v-shaped vat suspended from the factory ceiling. What leaks onto the cement floor is rinsed away by high pressure hoses into once-white floor drains. We joked about it even more, but some of what we said should not be written down.

"We really shouldn't be eating this; it's horrible," we both said as we kept eating.

When you get heartburn two bites into a food, it really is time to stop eating. The body is sending a signal to stop eating. "Don't pop a pill and keep eating - stop eating!" it says. That's what heartburn tells us. Stop eating! We kept eating.

Half an hour later, I had problems like more heartburn, an uncomfortable gurgling feeling and gas. I know, I shouldn't write about gas, but there's an important point to this. Oh yeah, at 3:00 a.m. I was in the bathroom - for half an hour.

Okay, let's look at what happened. From the very first bite I didn't like what I was eating. And I kept going anyway. Now, we're not talking about a new experience. This was prepackaged food that I didn't like. There was no reason to continue eating it, except that I didn't pay attention to the many messages intent on protecting my better interests. It wasn't as though the food might magically transform into five-star cuisine. I didn't need more experience with it. I'd had this experience many times before. This food looked bad. It tasted bad. It was bad for me - and I kept eating it anyway. What do you suppose that is about?

Think about it...it looked bad. My eyes read the situation and triggered hesitation. It tasted bad. My tongue triggered a wince and frown, not the sort of response that says, "Oh yeah baby, keep going. This is good for you." My stomach, or whatever part of me causes heartburn, instantly signaled a mismatch between the food and intestinal happiness. I had three signals - but wait! We talked about how awful the food was - and I kept eating it anyway.

So, I had - count them - 1 2 3 4 - four signals that what I was eating was neither enjoyable, nor likely to benefit me in the long run... and kept right on eating.

This is the height of ignorance. And, just to prove my point, my stomach and one other body system showed me at 3:00 a.m. (which must have been when they figured they could FINALY get my attention) in very unpleasant ways that the food was bad for me. If I had only paid attention to the early signals...

Where are you ignoring the signals - and E-V-I-D-E-N-C-E - that something is not good for you, and you should stop doing it?

Finding Our Ways

The further and further down this coaching path I get the more I realize that all coaching is personal. There is no way to move a business without moving its people. I cannot inspire or evoke greatness from a business. I cannot educate a business. A business is a construct, an idea, or rather a big rubber-band-ball of ideas conceived by humans, by people - and made tangible, real and hopefully good.

It's all personal. Seems to me, the sooner we business owners and executives get that, the sooner we will be on the fast track to mastery. And I don't mean just technical masters, like super-managers, I mean masters as men and women, on the path to becoming true elders, worthy of our youth's attention. Protectors of what is good. Evolvers of people. Builders of communities that empower, uplift and, yes, employ many, many people.

Here's a poem I wrote two years ago. The personal journey from mere productivity to enduring greatness requires we choose purposefully how, where and why we invest ourselves. It's no easy thing to become masters, in cultures that have so many ideas of what we should be. Many of those ideas would have us focus on nothing but productivity. No easy thing at all. We just have to keep learning what we will accept and what we will refuse. Who are we becoming as men and women leaders, and how much of that we will actually be? Will we be tomorrow's great and wise elders?


Finding Our Ways

We are tired
Of being implored and incited
To act like constant strength and then doing it;

We are wasted
By flashes of blemish-free faces
And programs for how we should be;

We are angry
Our bodies won’t stay lithe and supple enough
To be enough for everyone else – and ourselves;

We are hardened
By noisy sales pitches
That make slow deep breathing impossible at dinner;

We are scared
Our dreams have seeped out like gas from rusty canisters
While sliding toward someone else’s North Star;

We crave
Respite and rapture
That feels like hot bear hugs and lingering French kisses;

And we forget
We can choose much bigger gods,
To be awesome spirits and free.

Copyright © David C. Facer, Jr. All rights reserved.