TV and Radio - Intimacy or Anti-intimacy Devices?

Okay, so it's very nearly the big day - Christmas. And for those of you who don't celebrate Christmas but rather eat Chinese food in bustling restaurants on Christmas weekend, there's something here for you, too.

I have rediscovered my television ON button. With college basketball season near full swing, there's no way it's remaining off for the whole of the winter. But, maybe it should.

While relaxing with a friend recently, a woman I've been soul-mate close to for 25 years, and flipping around commercials on the channel we were watching, I A.D.D.'d my way over to MTV. My friend, being a woman, has long since learned that channel flipping is a male thing and doesn't mind it much. Anyway, MTV...

The Real World
MTV runs a program called, Real World. They put six strangers in a house and film their forcefully-shared lives for four months. It's all youth drama and drinking and who is hooking up with whom and hair-trigger opinions that cause tears. In a word - compelling stuff.

The current season had just finished airing and the troupe was debriefing their experience, when one chap said that since there was no television and no radio in the house, they were essentially forced to find things to do, and were forced to interact.

WHAT?! No television? No radio?

This is a program ON television about how people interact and in order to get them to interact they purposely did not install a television, or a radio?! This fascinates me.

Could it be that television and radio actually hinder interaction? Well, it's hardly a "STOP the presses!" headline. But, it IS highly relevant to what most of us will experience over the coming weeks.

Real World North Carolina
In three days, I will voluntarily choose, as do the MTV cast members, to live in a house with my brother and his family for the better part of the high-holiday season. I live in San Diego and they live in definitely-not-big-city North Carolina. For ten days, this uncle who his kids see once a year will agitate the comfort of their daily, and holiday, routines.

I will be busied by two beautiful kids playing all manner of games, some formal, some made up on the spot and difficult to figure out with an adult brain. I expect it to be a very movement-filled time. And, I know that there will be much time spent in front of the TV.

Is this bad?

When TV, or radio for that matter, is used to decompress and quiet the mind from the hubbub of every day American life, I think it's okay. Besides, most commercial programming will not do much to stimulate the deep recesses of the brain, so using it at the shallow level of decompressing seems to be using it as it is truly constructed by the people who decide what inane programs we should watch. (Discovery Channel and PBS are not in my thinking here.)

AND, when TV is used to pacify kids, I don't like it one bit. In my mind, using modern media as hypnosis is playing with intellectual and spiritual knives. But, I'm not a parent, and so I don't fully understand.

AND, all of us, my brother, me and my sister-in-law, will surely flop down for some program that gets us all talking - or has us all sitting in the same room, in the rippling waves of each other's energy fields sitting quietly - sharing an experience.

My brother and I will surely watch more than a few college football and basketball game and connect through simple observations - read bold arm-chair-quarterbacking - about specific plays, strategy and lousy calls. TV programs will help us connect.

Of Two Minds
So, why the ramble? I am all about conscious living, conscious decision making, consciously building life and business experiences moment to moment, with open eyes, choosing intimacy and substance over the alternatives. If watching TV is killing intimacy in your life, if you have fooled yourself into thinking that being in the same room is the same as really being with someone, wake up, turn the damn thing off and talk.

If, on the other hand, it is lubricating your interactions and facilitating intimacy with someone, leave it on. Just make sure that after it's off, you continue to use the lubrication. Talk about the program. Ask each other questions about what was enjoyed or what seemed silly. Use the lubrication all day long.

Few things are inherently bad or inherently good. We choose the meaning of a great many things in our lives. Murder - like duh, bad. TV, well, I'm of two minds.

I wish you much true intimacy and connection this holiday season - with yourself and with others. Activate Potential is closing its doors until January 2, 2006, so I can connect with people I love very much, and don't spend a lot of physical time with.

TV will be part of that - and I promise, not so much that it becomes the experience itself.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah.

Touch Someone in Every Scene

Last night I caught an episode of Inside the Actor Studio. Michael J. Fox was the guest.

Far from his early days playing the caricature of the 1980’s money- and power-crazed future businessman, Fox has become more than an actor; he has become a teacher.

Parkinson Disease has slowed him. That is a natural consequence of a horrid illness. But more than that, it seems to have raised him up. Fox exudes a kind of pressure-free peace with life that few people I have seen have. Today, he speaks with a blend of weight and lightness– the kind of weight that comes from nights in deep trenches and days that seem like those nights. The weight of Fox’s insights, his credibility, rises from the soul of a man who has suffered, and decided to stay light anyway.

Illness seems to hollow out some people. Some people don’t seem to come out of the trench. Illness seems to elevate others, to enliven them, to build up their spirits as it whittles down their bodies. I am immensely curious about how people respond to suffering. For now, that is background.

What is more important for you and me here is what we can learn and apply from Fox’s simple idea about acting. An idea so simple it may turn you off. It may sound too sweet, too soft, new agey or too Hallmark to earn your full attention. For those of you who are not afraid of soft, let’s dive into the idea.

Simply Enormous
“Touch someone in every scene. If you do that, you have succeeded.”

It's a simple idea I don't think we can hear often enough.

Naturally, the context for his comment was a question about acting, which, for Fox, is his work. So, free your mind from the specifics of acting and look at the broader context of touching someone in every scene of your work.

As a businesswoman or businessman, man or woman, doctor, lawyer, Realtor, acupuncturist, coach, dentist, executive and individual working to succeed in business, what does this idea say to you?

What if your sole focus were to touch someone in every scene in which you act every day. Personally, this makes me think of the times I don’t act big; it makes me think of when I act small, or greedily, or in a way that makes me a victim, or attempts to make a victim of someone else. When I give in to childish reactions, like getting frustrated with a complete stranger whose driving style has nothing to do with me, it makes me realize the touch I give can be gentler and, therefore, wiser. I think of losing a deal and the anxiety I allow it to generate. I think of shrinking back in the face of a perceived obstacle, or the times I have pushed someone to make a decision because the timing was good for me. So, Fox’s simple wisdom shakes my attention awake to how I can participate in the scenes of my work and life to lift everyone high up, you, me and strangers included.

How might this idea– to touch someone in every scene– be relevant to your business? Think about every conversation you have. What can you do in every chat, meeting, performance review, exit interview, proposal, refusal, email exchange, marketing statement, and sales presentation to touch someone more generously and powerfully than you used to?

Soft is Hard
I think it’s a BIG idea that’s hard to implement. But why?

Doubtless, the kind of wisdom Fox exhibits was fertilized by physical, emotional and mental suffering. But, what makes him unique? Don’t we all suffer? By the time we are middle aged or seniors, haven’t we seen enough suffering and felt enough pain to be wiser? What keeps us from becoming wise businesspeople whose primary goal is to touch someone positively at every turn?

I wonder. I think we have to decide to grow – some of us as individuals, and broadly, as a culture, for this idea–touch someone in every scene–to be a routine way of life and business.

Everyday I watch businesspeople, men and women alike, act as if the only thing that matters is making money. Of course, that is a priority. Of course it is. But is it everything? Everyday I see people pushing themselves and others against that grindstone as if maniacally reciting the mother’s mantra in D.H. Lawrence’s famous short story, The Rocking Horse Winner, “There must be more money. There must be more money.” What continues to surprise me is how the kind of lovingkindness shown by the great wisdom teachers, Jesus, Buddha, Mohammed and a many sage grandmothers and grandfathers, fails to substantially influence how we behave in everyday business situations.

How is it the kind of idealism, intimacy and depth that defines our love relationships doesn’t penetrate our business relationships? Or maybe, precisely the kind of intimacy and depth of our personal relationships drives our approach to business? Hmmm…

I really wonder. Why is it that men, and the women who think they need to behave like them, still think being powerful requires being hard? Why does understanding and responding to the needs of fellow executives mean a man is too soft? How is it male executives are still using the phrase, "touchy feely" when talking about relating warmly with one another? How can it be 2006 and we still think we should act like a Victorian era banker, treating each other as if we were machines, ignoring the effects we have on one another?

Unfortunately, the idea that the soft stuff is the key to long term success has not yet reached the tipping point. We have not yet come to trust that touching someone in every scene is smart business. We refuse to slow our speed enough. Will we ever choose to?

Public Commitments
For now, I’m willing to make a commitment. Maybe a few more people touching people in every scene will help others decide to do it, too, and show them how. So, since you and I are in some scenes together, here are a few of my public commitments to touch you in ways that leave you energized, even more capable, respected and enriched:

Relaxed driving
Pressure-free selling
Gentle honesty
Minimal consumption
Patient listening
Victim-free humor
Generous service

Some of you are clients, some of you friends, some family and some of you I have not yet met. I ask you all to contemplate how your everyday business experience – and doubtless, life generally – can be improved by making Michael J. Fox’s idea a habit.

Touch someone in every scene. Now there’s a BIG Idea.