Lost Etiquette
For months now I've been incubating this blog wondering how to introduce the subject of politeness and propriety without coming off as someone's nag or a reminder of your least favorite auntie. I'll press forward undaunted, though, because I think these points need to be made.
No More I Thank Yous
Last week I hosted a party for several of my clients and friends. It was a catered doo with wine, cheese, nice nosh and a bubbly crowd around 60 or so people. Invitations were professionally crafted and mailed in the old-style US Mail. I wanted my guests to feel special by receiving a professionally prepared invitation. Several people said they loved the invites and were very impressed I did not just send an E-vite. I hate E-vite. E-vite is great for Sunday-crash-on-the-sofa-with-a-few-beers kinds of parties, or mass events put on by universities and such, but the service should be avoided for highly personal events.
So the party was a big deal, expensive, lots of planning, yada yada - but you know, I have received no thank you cards. I have received a few thank you one-liners in emails written about other things, but no thank you cards. What happened to the thank you card? Heck, some folks did not even respond to the invitation. Just didn't call or anything to say even, "Thanks for inviting me."
Mourning Sympathy and E-vite
When my mom died a while back, I was in school with a group of 20 terrific people. We were 50% of the way through our masters program and had done a lot of work together. Some of us became quite close. Out of that group of peers and other people associated with the program such as administrators with whom I was in frequent contact, I received a total of five sympathy cards. Five. What happened to the etiquette of sending a physical card to express sympathy? Several classmates signed a group card and sent a donation to my family's chosen charity, which were nice gestures. I got a few emails, too. Yet, I just don't understand how we lost sight of expressing our personal sympathy quietly, warmly, and directly via a paper card sent in the mail. I mean, my mother died. That's one of the most significant events in one's life. It shifts one's worldview, imposes the concept of mortality on everyday thinking and also is very sad. Was it not significant enough to warrant a trip to the Hallmark store (or the card aisle in Wal-Mart) and five minutes to sign and personally mail a card to let me know you realize how big a deal it was for me? People don't realize when they send such cards they deepen their connection with the people they sent them to. And that's the whole point. How is deepening relationships at such times not top of mind these days?
I give away a lot of gifts, particularly as thank yous. Often I buy a book or CD or some such thing to express my heartfelt gratitude to and for someone who has helped me. Typically these things run around $30 bucks. While I know the recipients are grateful and they often say so when we next cross paths, no one has sent a thank you card. Not for last year's homemade bakery baskets at Christmas and Hanukkah, or this year's gifts...or the party.
I know only one other person who habitually makes the overt, extra effort to invite people, thank people, express sympathy and such via personal and physical cards: my friend Martin in Connecticut. He's a politician, so perhaps that profession's norms include the extra effort. But, if you knew him, you'd know it is not a calculated I'll-do-this-to-get-ahead kind of act. It comes from the core of the man. But, he's one person out of a whole lot of people.
Some might argue I'm prescribing too narrow a range for self-expression. I should look at the fact that an email was sent at all, versus kvetching that the thank you should have been via traditional paper card. Others would say get with reality, people are doing all they can with their time and remembering to say thank you or I'm sorry is a big deal. Be grateful for that. But, I am tired of our cultural hypnotic mantra that there's no time. Time is a resource to be invested. When we invest it on one thing at the expense of the other, we reveal our pecking orders. And, it saddens me, and as a professional coach, frustrates me that the more deliberate, time consuming, ceremonial displays of emotion keep falling further down our collective priority list.
What's going on? I did not grow up eating from a silver spoon. My family did not have servants or secretaries. We were a middle class family in a mundane NJ town raised by two office workers. But, we were raised to pay attention to some of the old-world etiquette that today seems lost. And today, as an adult, I choose to pay attention to the same rituals.
Opportunity Lost
Email is a poor way to express gratitude. Your recipient won't feel special because you ripped off a short note between meetings or squeezed a thank you into an email about the budget or the next teleconference. And they shouldn't. And frankly, I don't think any of us ought to puff up all proud that we got the thank you email off. Why feel good about so little effort and so little substance? Sometimes the time we take for something is the meaning. E-vite is a poor way to invite people to special events. Sure, it's free, but free at what cost? Sometimes free is just cheap. I heard of a couple who used E-vite for their wedding invitations. I can only imagine the couple is under 25 years old, because it seems a lazy way to invite people to such a splendid occasion.
All of the people I alluded to in this blog are terrific folks. Our relationships are positive, warm and secure. So, I'm not deriding individuals. I am, though, wondering if culturally we have lost, or have actively given up, or are being woefully ignorant of what we give up by giving up the physical politeness and decorum that used to be expressed via cards, handwritten notes and the like, and that helped deepen our relationships. Have we become so pressed for time, so harried and hurried by our choices that we have willingly given up the acts that engender more intimacy? If we have, I weep. No joke. I weep if we have made that decision. It is a decision we will on day regret.
No More I Thank Yous
Last week I hosted a party for several of my clients and friends. It was a catered doo with wine, cheese, nice nosh and a bubbly crowd around 60 or so people. Invitations were professionally crafted and mailed in the old-style US Mail. I wanted my guests to feel special by receiving a professionally prepared invitation. Several people said they loved the invites and were very impressed I did not just send an E-vite. I hate E-vite. E-vite is great for Sunday-crash-on-the-sofa-with-a-few-beers kinds of parties, or mass events put on by universities and such, but the service should be avoided for highly personal events.
So the party was a big deal, expensive, lots of planning, yada yada - but you know, I have received no thank you cards. I have received a few thank you one-liners in emails written about other things, but no thank you cards. What happened to the thank you card? Heck, some folks did not even respond to the invitation. Just didn't call or anything to say even, "Thanks for inviting me."
Mourning Sympathy and E-vite
When my mom died a while back, I was in school with a group of 20 terrific people. We were 50% of the way through our masters program and had done a lot of work together. Some of us became quite close. Out of that group of peers and other people associated with the program such as administrators with whom I was in frequent contact, I received a total of five sympathy cards. Five. What happened to the etiquette of sending a physical card to express sympathy? Several classmates signed a group card and sent a donation to my family's chosen charity, which were nice gestures. I got a few emails, too. Yet, I just don't understand how we lost sight of expressing our personal sympathy quietly, warmly, and directly via a paper card sent in the mail. I mean, my mother died. That's one of the most significant events in one's life. It shifts one's worldview, imposes the concept of mortality on everyday thinking and also is very sad. Was it not significant enough to warrant a trip to the Hallmark store (or the card aisle in Wal-Mart) and five minutes to sign and personally mail a card to let me know you realize how big a deal it was for me? People don't realize when they send such cards they deepen their connection with the people they sent them to. And that's the whole point. How is deepening relationships at such times not top of mind these days?
I give away a lot of gifts, particularly as thank yous. Often I buy a book or CD or some such thing to express my heartfelt gratitude to and for someone who has helped me. Typically these things run around $30 bucks. While I know the recipients are grateful and they often say so when we next cross paths, no one has sent a thank you card. Not for last year's homemade bakery baskets at Christmas and Hanukkah, or this year's gifts...or the party.
I know only one other person who habitually makes the overt, extra effort to invite people, thank people, express sympathy and such via personal and physical cards: my friend Martin in Connecticut. He's a politician, so perhaps that profession's norms include the extra effort. But, if you knew him, you'd know it is not a calculated I'll-do-this-to-get-ahead kind of act. It comes from the core of the man. But, he's one person out of a whole lot of people.
Some might argue I'm prescribing too narrow a range for self-expression. I should look at the fact that an email was sent at all, versus kvetching that the thank you should have been via traditional paper card. Others would say get with reality, people are doing all they can with their time and remembering to say thank you or I'm sorry is a big deal. Be grateful for that. But, I am tired of our cultural hypnotic mantra that there's no time. Time is a resource to be invested. When we invest it on one thing at the expense of the other, we reveal our pecking orders. And, it saddens me, and as a professional coach, frustrates me that the more deliberate, time consuming, ceremonial displays of emotion keep falling further down our collective priority list.
What's going on? I did not grow up eating from a silver spoon. My family did not have servants or secretaries. We were a middle class family in a mundane NJ town raised by two office workers. But, we were raised to pay attention to some of the old-world etiquette that today seems lost. And today, as an adult, I choose to pay attention to the same rituals.
Opportunity Lost
Email is a poor way to express gratitude. Your recipient won't feel special because you ripped off a short note between meetings or squeezed a thank you into an email about the budget or the next teleconference. And they shouldn't. And frankly, I don't think any of us ought to puff up all proud that we got the thank you email off. Why feel good about so little effort and so little substance? Sometimes the time we take for something is the meaning. E-vite is a poor way to invite people to special events. Sure, it's free, but free at what cost? Sometimes free is just cheap. I heard of a couple who used E-vite for their wedding invitations. I can only imagine the couple is under 25 years old, because it seems a lazy way to invite people to such a splendid occasion.
All of the people I alluded to in this blog are terrific folks. Our relationships are positive, warm and secure. So, I'm not deriding individuals. I am, though, wondering if culturally we have lost, or have actively given up, or are being woefully ignorant of what we give up by giving up the physical politeness and decorum that used to be expressed via cards, handwritten notes and the like, and that helped deepen our relationships. Have we become so pressed for time, so harried and hurried by our choices that we have willingly given up the acts that engender more intimacy? If we have, I weep. No joke. I weep if we have made that decision. It is a decision we will on day regret.
posted by Activate Potential at 11:11 AM 
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