Susan, Dinner, and Some Really Important Questions
Last night at dinner with friends at a local Asian restaurant, a friend of a friend we'll call Susan, lamented that she wanted to change jobs but did not really know to what. She definitely felt she did not want to remain in her current sales role, but when asked what she wanted quickly replied, "I don't know."
Breaking attention from mixing my Larb with the heart-shaped mound of brown rice I added to the order, I asked if I could make a raise a few ideas that might help her get the answer she wanted. She politely agreed.
All Available Answers
First I told her that the inkling she felt that something was not quite right about her current situation was a very useful and special feeling. In it lay the seeds of liberation, if she would begin to cultivate the ground out of which they could eventually spring. I say, could spring, because there is no guarantee her mild distress and complaints will yield much of anything but dinner conversation. That distress is the seeds seeking new, more fertile ground. Those seeds need some nourishment than complaints provide if they are to yield a different crop than the one she now has and increasingly dislikes.
Then I shared with her that the answers to the big question of what work she might more like to do are totally accessible to her, and importantly, are within the reach of her authority. In other words, all she needs to know can be known.
The question here is what questions does she need to ask in order to know the answer to her big question: What should I really do for work since what I am now doing is not longer satisfying?
Provoking Critical Inquiry
The answers we need always sit behind the right questions. In Susan's case, the question is sitting quietly, except from time to time it begins to fidget around like a six-year old in a reading room, just enough to create a bit of discomfort. Sort of like a funny feeling in her stomach or an itch in that tiny triangle of skin right between her shoulder blades and where her backward-contorted arms can scratch - just out of reach. If Susan is not careful, and more engaged in finding the right questions to ask, that itch will go on itching until she needs to throw herself against a doorjam or flop on the floor for a good grisly bear kind of itch relief session. In real terms, that kind of flopping is a kind of "Aaaaaaaaaargh, I can't take this anymore!" meltdown - great for scratching skin itches, but not so great for solving big issues like what work to seek next. We don't typically make well thought out decisions, or ask the deepest, most useful questions in the state of utter frustration. We usually seek short-term relief.
So, what questions does Susan need to ask herself? She said she had a feeling she wanted to do something that "makes a difference." And not a millisecond later went on to the next thing which was, "or I could just stay in sales, but I can't just sell anything. I need to sell a product I believe in." Two juicy statements filled with important questions she needs the answers to.
"What do you care most about, Susan? You said you want to 'make a difference." Between what and what? Making a difference means you want to alter, change, influence the direction and/or the rate of someone's progress. What do you think you might want to help them with? What would you and those people have in common in terms of what you care about and are trying to achieve? What are you trying to spare them? What might they be trying to move away from and toward?"
So it went for just a few more minutes. Most of the questions were rhetorical because neither of us wanted to hijack the entire night's conversation with a live executive coaching session. And, to Susan's defence, her itch won't be fully scratched in the course of a three-course Thai meal anyway.
What's this got to do with obligations of an executive? Most of your people are fully committed to what they're doing, right? Well, that may or may not be true. The key for me in sharing Susan's story is that answering our big questions means asking and answering the right questions.
What do I feel right now? (Yes...I used the word feel - a totally underutilized idea when it comes to corporate problem solving, by the way.)
What is the feeling trying to say to tell me? Is this satisfaction or dissatisfaction? With what?
What do I need to know that I don't yet know to answer this question?
Is this a values conflict, meaning is there a competition now between two or more values, such as having a good-paying job so I can honor my family responsibilities and have a comfortable life, and doing work that is full of meaning per se and, hence, fulfilling to me personally?
Am I finally tired enough of this itch to do something about it?
What kind of courage is required of me (my team, my boss, my head of finance, my HR exec, my overall organization) now to actually take action and make the necessary change?
What resources, information, tools do I need to get the answers I want now?
Who do I need help from to learn more and get this answer nailed down?
Get to the Heart of the Matter
These are questions that strike at the root of the big question. Naturally, there are many more and some domain-specific ones. You get the picture. And, from my perspective, such questions are the ones that get at the heart of Susan's matter (and many everyday business matters, too.) Without the right questions we end up with unscratched itches and a declining sense of joy, and maybe even a heightened sense of frustration. As executives, sometimes our job is not to have the right answer, as I did not or could not conjure for Susan. Our job is to provoke critical thinking via the right questions. That's the long-term-effective way to scratch our itches.
Breaking attention from mixing my Larb with the heart-shaped mound of brown rice I added to the order, I asked if I could make a raise a few ideas that might help her get the answer she wanted. She politely agreed.
All Available Answers
First I told her that the inkling she felt that something was not quite right about her current situation was a very useful and special feeling. In it lay the seeds of liberation, if she would begin to cultivate the ground out of which they could eventually spring. I say, could spring, because there is no guarantee her mild distress and complaints will yield much of anything but dinner conversation. That distress is the seeds seeking new, more fertile ground. Those seeds need some nourishment than complaints provide if they are to yield a different crop than the one she now has and increasingly dislikes.
Then I shared with her that the answers to the big question of what work she might more like to do are totally accessible to her, and importantly, are within the reach of her authority. In other words, all she needs to know can be known.
The question here is what questions does she need to ask in order to know the answer to her big question: What should I really do for work since what I am now doing is not longer satisfying?
Provoking Critical Inquiry
The answers we need always sit behind the right questions. In Susan's case, the question is sitting quietly, except from time to time it begins to fidget around like a six-year old in a reading room, just enough to create a bit of discomfort. Sort of like a funny feeling in her stomach or an itch in that tiny triangle of skin right between her shoulder blades and where her backward-contorted arms can scratch - just out of reach. If Susan is not careful, and more engaged in finding the right questions to ask, that itch will go on itching until she needs to throw herself against a doorjam or flop on the floor for a good grisly bear kind of itch relief session. In real terms, that kind of flopping is a kind of "Aaaaaaaaaargh, I can't take this anymore!" meltdown - great for scratching skin itches, but not so great for solving big issues like what work to seek next. We don't typically make well thought out decisions, or ask the deepest, most useful questions in the state of utter frustration. We usually seek short-term relief.
So, what questions does Susan need to ask herself? She said she had a feeling she wanted to do something that "makes a difference." And not a millisecond later went on to the next thing which was, "or I could just stay in sales, but I can't just sell anything. I need to sell a product I believe in." Two juicy statements filled with important questions she needs the answers to.
"What do you care most about, Susan? You said you want to 'make a difference." Between what and what? Making a difference means you want to alter, change, influence the direction and/or the rate of someone's progress. What do you think you might want to help them with? What would you and those people have in common in terms of what you care about and are trying to achieve? What are you trying to spare them? What might they be trying to move away from and toward?"
So it went for just a few more minutes. Most of the questions were rhetorical because neither of us wanted to hijack the entire night's conversation with a live executive coaching session. And, to Susan's defence, her itch won't be fully scratched in the course of a three-course Thai meal anyway.
What's this got to do with obligations of an executive? Most of your people are fully committed to what they're doing, right? Well, that may or may not be true. The key for me in sharing Susan's story is that answering our big questions means asking and answering the right questions.
What do I feel right now? (Yes...I used the word feel - a totally underutilized idea when it comes to corporate problem solving, by the way.)
What is the feeling trying to say to tell me? Is this satisfaction or dissatisfaction? With what?
What do I need to know that I don't yet know to answer this question?
Is this a values conflict, meaning is there a competition now between two or more values, such as having a good-paying job so I can honor my family responsibilities and have a comfortable life, and doing work that is full of meaning per se and, hence, fulfilling to me personally?
Am I finally tired enough of this itch to do something about it?
What kind of courage is required of me (my team, my boss, my head of finance, my HR exec, my overall organization) now to actually take action and make the necessary change?
What resources, information, tools do I need to get the answers I want now?
Who do I need help from to learn more and get this answer nailed down?
Get to the Heart of the Matter
These are questions that strike at the root of the big question. Naturally, there are many more and some domain-specific ones. You get the picture. And, from my perspective, such questions are the ones that get at the heart of Susan's matter (and many everyday business matters, too.) Without the right questions we end up with unscratched itches and a declining sense of joy, and maybe even a heightened sense of frustration. As executives, sometimes our job is not to have the right answer, as I did not or could not conjure for Susan. Our job is to provoke critical thinking via the right questions. That's the long-term-effective way to scratch our itches.
posted by Activate Potential at 4:55 AM 
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