Happy July 4, 2008 to Everyone Around the World

One Song

Every war and every conflict
between human beings has happened
because of some disagreement about names .

It is such an unnecessary foolishness,
because just beyond the arguing
there is a long table of companionship
set and waiting for us to sit down.

What is praised is one, so the praise is one too,
many jugs being poured into the huge basin.
All religions, all this singing, one song.

The differences are just illusion and vanity.
Sunlight looks a little different
on this wall than it does on that wall
and a lot different on this other one,
but it is still one light.

We have borrowed these clothes,
these time-and-space personalities,
from a light, and when we praise,
we are pouring it back in.

~ Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Balkhi-Rumi (1207-1273)

Best Business Apology I've Ever Received

I had a few problems recently with my mortgage refinance. See, I began the process after the sub prime mortgage meltdown. By the time my application was begun, banks had started to look at all applicants pretty much like criminals. They required a bazillion more times the evidence of income, net worth, liabilities, and blood type than before. Jumping through hoops is not one of my favorite things anyway, particularly when someone tells me "that's the last one," and there is then presented one more, and another, and one more. You get the picture.

Then there were a few errors made my my broker, who happens to be a client and a friend. He'd missed some important information and that, too, contributed to the delays and collective frustration.

Eventually, I shared the business and personal impacts of my experience with my client and friend. He was really surprised about it all, which got me to thinking, How often are we really unaware of what is going on with the people right in our midsts, even as we are supposedly serving them really well? Employees, coworkers, bosses, friends, family, clients, prospects? It seems to me we very often really don't know what's going on with them. That we should and how to do more to know is a bigger subject than I want to tackle here. This post is more to be a big ol' BRAVO to my friend and client.

His apology letter was more than "good;" it really moved me. And, I believed that he had understood me, had really felt and gotten what I had told him about my experience. I found this letter to demonstrate empathy, contrition without feigning to self-flagellate, warmth without being syrupy, and determination to learn from his mistakes without over-promising. And so, here is his apology letter:

Dear David,

I wanted to send this letter in regards to our last meeting. I am so sorry for how everything turned out and how oblivious I was to what you went (are going) through. I realize there were some things I should have done differently and some things that were out of my control. But, the underlying fact is that I could have better prepared you and been more involved in what you were going through.

I also apologize for my cavalier attitude in the weeks after, but I really didn't know the extent of what you experienced. In all honesty, I'm glad this happened to you (if it was going to happen to anyone) as it may have never been brought to my attention had it been another client.

I hope you take this as a sincere apology as this isn't a letter to my coach or mentor, it's a letter to my friend. I felt sick to my stomach after our talk last week to think that I gave a friend that level of service and never thought to do my due diligence. I realize I have a lot to change in my process and approach and hope you will help me open my eyes to what needs to be done and accounted for.

Like I said, I was moved. Now we go forward with a stronger relationship, which is the whole point, isn't it?

Susan, Dinner, and Some Really Important Questions

Last night at dinner with friends at a local Asian restaurant, a friend of a friend we'll call Susan, lamented that she wanted to change jobs but did not really know to what. She definitely felt she did not want to remain in her current sales role, but when asked what she wanted quickly replied, "I don't know."

Breaking attention from mixing my Larb with the heart-shaped mound of brown rice I added to the order, I asked if I could make a raise a few ideas that might help her get the answer she wanted. She politely agreed.

All Available Answers
First I told her that the inkling she felt that something was not quite right about her current situation was a very useful and special feeling. In it lay the seeds of liberation, if she would begin to cultivate the ground out of which they could eventually spring. I say, could spring, because there is no guarantee her mild distress and complaints will yield much of anything but dinner conversation. That distress is the seeds seeking new, more fertile ground. Those seeds need some nourishment than complaints provide if they are to yield a different crop than the one she now has and increasingly dislikes.

Then I shared with her that the answers to the big question of what work she might more like to do are totally accessible to her, and importantly, are within the reach of her authority. In other words, all she needs to know can be known.

The question here is what questions does she need to ask in order to know the answer to her big question: What should I really do for work since what I am now doing is not longer satisfying?

Provoking Critical Inquiry
The answers we need always sit behind the right questions. In Susan's case, the question is sitting quietly, except from time to time it begins to fidget around like a six-year old in a reading room, just enough to create a bit of discomfort. Sort of like a funny feeling in her stomach or an itch in that tiny triangle of skin right between her shoulder blades and where her backward-contorted arms can scratch - just out of reach. If Susan is not careful, and more engaged in finding the right questions to ask, that itch will go on itching until she needs to throw herself against a doorjam or flop on the floor for a good grisly bear kind of itch relief session. In real terms, that kind of flopping is a kind of "Aaaaaaaaaargh, I can't take this anymore!" meltdown - great for scratching skin itches, but not so great for solving big issues like what work to seek next. We don't typically make well thought out decisions, or ask the deepest, most useful questions in the state of utter frustration. We usually seek short-term relief.

So, what questions does Susan need to ask herself? She said she had a feeling she wanted to do something that "makes a difference." And not a millisecond later went on to the next thing which was, "or I could just stay in sales, but I can't just sell anything. I need to sell a product I believe in." Two juicy statements filled with important questions she needs the answers to.

"What do you care most about, Susan? You said you want to 'make a difference." Between what and what? Making a difference means you want to alter, change, influence the direction and/or the rate of someone's progress. What do you think you might want to help them with? What would you and those people have in common in terms of what you care about and are trying to achieve? What are you trying to spare them? What might they be trying to move away from and toward?"

So it went for just a few more minutes. Most of the questions were rhetorical because neither of us wanted to hijack the entire night's conversation with a live executive coaching session. And, to Susan's defence, her itch won't be fully scratched in the course of a three-course Thai meal anyway.

What's this got to do with obligations of an executive? Most of your people are fully committed to what they're doing, right? Well, that may or may not be true. The key for me in sharing Susan's story is that answering our big questions means asking and answering the right questions.

What do I feel right now? (Yes...I used the word feel - a totally underutilized idea when it comes to corporate problem solving, by the way.)
What is the feeling trying to say to tell me? Is this satisfaction or dissatisfaction? With what?
What do I need to know that I don't yet know to answer this question?
Is this a values conflict, meaning is there a competition now between two or more values, such as having a good-paying job so I can honor my family responsibilities and have a comfortable life, and doing work that is full of meaning per se and, hence, fulfilling to me personally?
Am I finally tired enough of this itch to do something about it?
What kind of courage is required of me (my team, my boss, my head of finance, my HR exec, my overall organization) now to actually take action and make the necessary change?
What resources, information, tools do I need to get the answers I want now?
Who do I need help from to learn more and get this answer nailed down?

Get to the Heart of the Matter
These are questions that strike at the root of the big question. Naturally, there are many more and some domain-specific ones. You get the picture. And, from my perspective, such questions are the ones that get at the heart of Susan's matter (and many everyday business matters, too.) Without the right questions we end up with unscratched itches and a declining sense of joy, and maybe even a heightened sense of frustration. As executives, sometimes our job is not to have the right answer, as I did not or could not conjure for Susan. Our job is to provoke critical thinking via the right questions. That's the long-term-effective way to scratch our itches.

Dreaming in Dubai

I just returned from my first trip to the Middle East. I trained a dozen leaders in an executive development program for a telecommunications company on behalf of The Ken Blanchard Companies.

Many Westerners know of Dubai because of the country's ambitious constuction programs. Three new islands, a seven-star hotel built on another new island, and more new high-rise construction than can be found in most American cities combined.

What fascinated me more than the construction per se is the imagination and audacity that fuels it. The hard-core pragmatist would say it's not imagination and audacity that made the buildings possible, it's money, and the United Arab Emirates has a lot of that because of oil prices. It's true; there is a lot of money pouring into the country's coffers. But, money doesn't conceive of anything, the human mind does. Money is a means to an end. Whether the end is inspired or mundane is up to our decisions.

I've watched San Diego build up in the past decade and with the exception of the new baseball park and perhaps two other buildings, most of the 15 new towers I counted are bland, shapeless boxes. Most of the buildings are not finished at the top with anything that enhances the skyline and helps it become sculpture. And, not fewer than 7 complexes are pairs of identical towers. One uninspired rectangle is enough. Two are insults to imagination.

Dubai's imagination captivates me. Their buildings are metaphor. And so are ours. To talk mainly about the money available for building anything is to put finances ahead of our conceptions. It is to put a constraint ahead of the one tool that can help liberate us from them, imagination. Too many small ideas are buttressed by fears about money.

Don't get me wrong, We're beset by meaninful constraints every day. But, too often I hear people thinking small because they spend most of the time describing the problem and not enough being creative about how they might eliminate it, sidestep it, or change their point of view on it. Day in and out I hear people, me included, talk about the constraints we face as if we are unable to imagine executable ways out of or around them. Are we really that powerless, or do we just think so?

A dear friend wants to move to a new city after many years of hating where he lives. His fear of the unknown and of not finding a job quickly make him sit still, a little too inactive mentally and physically. He does not conceive creative ways to make it all work. Because of his fears and assumed constraints, what is possible is slipping deeper into the future. He does not ask for enough help from people who care about his success. The problems he sees have obscured his excitement to finally live where he wants to live. Meanwhile the clock of his dream ticks.

A former client hems and haws about her job. It's not what she wants to do. It leaves her feeling bored and uninspired. She wants to work for a non-profit, always has. But now she is "in a successful career" and feels constrained by her "golden handcuffs." She doesn't realize that she cuffs herself every morning before leaving for work. Her dream sits and waits for her somewhere down the road. I think her future could come a lot sooner if she were to spend less time describing her feelings and the problem and more time conceiving and executing a strategy to get the job she really wants.

An executive coach has a growing interest to spend more time with family and friends who live far away. He thinks about moving across country but can't imagine how to do it because of work and school. So, he just talks about the thought of moving, when there are many more ways to spend more time with family and friends than moving. And even moving would be possible were he to build solutions and instead of more descriptions of his real and assumed constraints.

I wonder what we could build for ourselves, how much faster we could reach our futures were we to spend more time imagining and then executing creative ways around our problems and assumed constraints and less time merely describing them. Next time you see a picture or TV program about Dubai's man-made island chain and seven-star hotel, I hope you will think about what kind of solution you need to build the big, delayed accomplishments you want for yourself. Can you imagine a new way to make it happen? Use Dubai's inspired creations to think about how inspired (and productive)you can be...if you would just get more creative with your thinking. Nothing says the real world solutions to your problems--mangerial, personal or interpersonal--and the real world experiences of what you most want have to be so deep in your future.

How Time Flies

I was shocked when I looked at the last entry and discovered it was written on 12/07/07.

While this may not offer new readers any insights (if any entries really do!), I'll share with you what's been going on in the pat three months.

I have been working with some terrific executives in financial services companies - some of whom are young and looking to accelerate their progress through the mid levels of management. Others are seasoned and more senior executives who are looking to adjust to shifting company values and norms and continue their high levels of contribution.

I have also been working more frequently with the Ken Blanchard Companies, training both Situational Leadership II and Situational Self Leadership to corporate teams across the US. That work will also take me overseas this season - something that is very exciting and sure to be very fulfilling for me.

As if working with Blanchard was not special enough, I have begun working with a terrific firm called Ferrazzi Greenlight. You may know the best selling book called, Never Eat Alone, by Keith Ferrazzi. FG is his company. I've have been preparing to work with them as a facilitator of their flagship program. Everyone there is immensely committed and very highly skilled. It's an exciting addition to my business, not only because of the work itself, but because the people are great.

On a perhaps more personal note, I am fit and feeling happy. My family is doing well, too. I am hoping to begin grad school for the second time this autumn. I'll keep you posted on that. There's a chance I am not accepted into the PhD program and if that were to happen I promise you and everyone else that it will not keep me from contributing new thinking and programs to the leadership and development fields. If I am accepted you'll hear me woohoo! from the rooftops. I'll keep you posted about the progress.

For my new readers, please do go back to older entries and have some fun reading what I've offered. Any thoughts are most welcome - positive or negative, let 'em rip!

For my long-time readers and friends - I want to hear from you, too! Drop me a line and let me know what wonderful things you're doing this year - and if I can help you in any way, please let me know.

Peace.

Lost Etiquette

For months now I've been incubating this blog wondering how to introduce the subject of politeness and propriety without coming off as someone's nag or a reminder of your least favorite auntie. I'll press forward undaunted, though, because I think these points need to be made.

No More I Thank Yous

Last week I hosted a party for several of my clients and friends. It was a catered doo with wine, cheese, nice nosh and a bubbly crowd around 60 or so people. Invitations were professionally crafted and mailed in the old-style US Mail. I wanted my guests to feel special by receiving a professionally prepared invitation. Several people said they loved the invites and were very impressed I did not just send an E-vite. I hate E-vite. E-vite is great for Sunday-crash-on-the-sofa-with-a-few-beers kinds of parties, or mass events put on by universities and such, but the service should be avoided for highly personal events.

So the party was a big deal, expensive, lots of planning, yada yada - but you know, I have received no thank you cards. I have received a few thank you one-liners in emails written about other things, but no thank you cards. What happened to the thank you card? Heck, some folks did not even respond to the invitation. Just didn't call or anything to say even, "Thanks for inviting me."

Mourning Sympathy and E-vite

When my mom died a while back, I was in school with a group of 20 terrific people. We were 50% of the way through our masters program and had done a lot of work together. Some of us became quite close. Out of that group of peers and other people associated with the program such as administrators with whom I was in frequent contact, I received a total of five sympathy cards. Five. What happened to the etiquette of sending a physical card to express sympathy? Several classmates signed a group card and sent a donation to my family's chosen charity, which were nice gestures. I got a few emails, too. Yet, I just don't understand how we lost sight of expressing our personal sympathy quietly, warmly, and directly via a paper card sent in the mail. I mean, my mother died. That's one of the most significant events in one's life. It shifts one's worldview, imposes the concept of mortality on everyday thinking and also is very sad. Was it not significant enough to warrant a trip to the Hallmark store (or the card aisle in Wal-Mart) and five minutes to sign and personally mail a card to let me know you realize how big a deal it was for me? People don't realize when they send such cards they deepen their connection with the people they sent them to. And that's the whole point. How is deepening relationships at such times not top of mind these days?

I give away a lot of gifts, particularly as thank yous. Often I buy a book or CD or some such thing to express my heartfelt gratitude to and for someone who has helped me. Typically these things run around $30 bucks. While I know the recipients are grateful and they often say so when we next cross paths, no one has sent a thank you card. Not for last year's homemade bakery baskets at Christmas and Hanukkah, or this year's gifts...or the party.

I know only one other person who habitually makes the overt, extra effort to invite people, thank people, express sympathy and such via personal and physical cards: my friend Martin in Connecticut. He's a politician, so perhaps that profession's norms include the extra effort. But, if you knew him, you'd know it is not a calculated I'll-do-this-to-get-ahead kind of act. It comes from the core of the man. But, he's one person out of a whole lot of people.

Some might argue I'm prescribing too narrow a range for self-expression. I should look at the fact that an email was sent at all, versus kvetching that the thank you should have been via traditional paper card. Others would say get with reality, people are doing all they can with their time and remembering to say thank you or I'm sorry is a big deal. Be grateful for that. But, I am tired of our cultural hypnotic mantra that there's no time. Time is a resource to be invested. When we invest it on one thing at the expense of the other, we reveal our pecking orders. And, it saddens me, and as a professional coach, frustrates me that the more deliberate, time consuming, ceremonial displays of emotion keep falling further down our collective priority list.

What's going on? I did not grow up eating from a silver spoon. My family did not have servants or secretaries. We were a middle class family in a mundane NJ town raised by two office workers. But, we were raised to pay attention to some of the old-world etiquette that today seems lost. And today, as an adult, I choose to pay attention to the same rituals.

Opportunity Lost

Email is a poor way to express gratitude. Your recipient won't feel special because you ripped off a short note between meetings or squeezed a thank you into an email about the budget or the next teleconference. And they shouldn't. And frankly, I don't think any of us ought to puff up all proud that we got the thank you email off. Why feel good about so little effort and so little substance? Sometimes the time we take for something is the meaning. E-vite is a poor way to invite people to special events. Sure, it's free, but free at what cost? Sometimes free is just cheap. I heard of a couple who used E-vite for their wedding invitations. I can only imagine the couple is under 25 years old, because it seems a lazy way to invite people to such a splendid occasion.

All of the people I alluded to in this blog are terrific folks. Our relationships are positive, warm and secure. So, I'm not deriding individuals. I am, though, wondering if culturally we have lost, or have actively given up, or are being woefully ignorant of what we give up by giving up the physical politeness and decorum that used to be expressed via cards, handwritten notes and the like, and that helped deepen our relationships. Have we become so pressed for time, so harried and hurried by our choices that we have willingly given up the acts that engender more intimacy? If we have, I weep. No joke. I weep if we have made that decision. It is a decision we will on day regret.

The Depth of Friendship (in Business)

Hello everyone. It's been a while. I have been very busy with both training engagements and new clients. It's been too long and it's nice to talk with you again.

The fires came through San Diego several weeks ago and turned our worlds upside down. Three people I know lost their homes. They burned to the ground. Another friend was displaced because the house he was renting burned. Personal friends evacuated to my home for three days. We watched the news almost 24/7 hoping against the fear that the fire would again threaten their home, as it did in 2003. It didn't - thankfully.

Through it all, I was reacquainted with the importance and the depth of loving friendship. Many of my close friends live too far away for us to be in each others' everyday lives. Of course we're in each other's every day consciousness. But my San Diego friends who needed a place to go and be safe during a very scary time were welcome here and felt comfortable here. I was blessed to host them. I think the feeling went both ways - as strong friendship does.

Is it possible to have such reciprocal friendship - such caring and intimacy in our business relationships, too? Let me know what you think. I think we are too fearful of each other. Part of me longs for the romanticized past where commitments were affirmed with handshakes or meetings over hamburgers and potato salad after church. It's naive, I know. Nonetheless, I think it's worth pondering how we might bring intimacy and warmth and obvious-out-of-the-closet-type love and commitment for our customers, prospects, colleagues and other business associates. We would surely get more work done with less effort. We would surely have a better time working. We would feel more alive. We would not only feel more connected, we would be more connected. We'd feel less lonely and afraid of what would happen if we didn't succeed. We'd be more creative and committed. We'd have enriched each other's lives. Now that's a vision for business I can embrace.